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Former NBA Star gets abducted by aliens, becomes smarter

August 2, 2013

This is “What’s Making Me Happy This Week,” a weekly feature inspired by the Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast. It’s pretty self-explanatory.

What’s Making Me Happy This Week is a story that made the rounds a few weeks ago but I’m just getting to now. Former NBA All-Star Baron Davis says that he was abducted by aliens.

I’m not going to absolutely dismiss the remote possibility that this in fact did happen. I know what I believe – I don’t believe in aliens visiting Earth from outer space – but I also know that I’m not omniscient enough to rule out anything in this world, no matter how ludicrous. Moreover, having just read Oliver Sacks’ Hallucinations, I understand that there are circumstances that could lead one to genuinely believe that they have seen or even been abducted by a UFO. This does not make those people crazy, even if they are 100% mistaken; it merely means that a combination of external factors and neurological misfires came together to produce a very strange result. The idea that Baron Davis of all people was abducted – and the manner in which he describes it – is why this is such a great story.

First of all, Baron most recently played for the Knicks. Most of the websites carrying this story have a photo of Baron in his Knicks uniform accompanying it. (This one is pretty good.) If you had to name one team that would lead a player to start hallucinating alien abductions, wouldn’t it be the Knicks? Is this even the strangest Knicks-related thing to happen in the past year? Baron Davis probably isn’t even the craziest point guard to play for the Knicks in the past decade. What a fun team.

Then there is Baron’s description of the UFO and their passengers: “And I was driving, driving, then next thing you know, dude, like, I was in this f—ing like steel thing and these f—ing crazy looking people, like half-human, half, like, f—ing ugly motherf—ers …” I mean, take a look at the man who has the nerve to insult these poor aliens’ appearance. Those better have been some really ugly creatures.

Next, you have Baron explaining why his abduction was actually a good thing: “Now I’m sharper and sh–,” he says of the abduction’s aftermath. “I am retaining information.” So Baron is recommending being abducted?

My biggest takeaway from this entire story though is this: why Baron Davis? Of all the NBA players that the aliens could have poked and prodded (“Dude, they were poking me on my nose and sh–. They were poking me on my nose and they were, like, looking me in my eyes. They had my hands like, tied up and the next thing you know, I was f—— in Montebello, dude …”) is Baron really the best candidate?  It reminds me of the movie Space Jam, and not just because aliens abducted NBA Stars then too, but because I remember thinking how strange the choice of NBA players was – Charles Barkley (makes sense), Patrick Ewing (ditto), Larry Johnson (a big star at that time), Shawn Bradley (wait, what?) and Muggsy Bogues (what??). The aliens could have taken anyone and they took Shawn Bradley and Muggsy Bogues?! Bradley – one of the tallest men in the history of the NBA – averaged around 8 points and 6 rebounds per game in his career. (That is not good.) After his Wikipedia page and his basketball-reference.com page, the next Google search result for “Shawn Bradley” is a YouTube video called “Top 10 Dunks On Shawn Bradley.” Yikes. As for Muggsy, at least he was cute, being the shortest player in NBA history. Maybe aliens have great senses of humor and simply thought it would just be funny to grab the diminutive Bogues? That would also explain abducting Baron Davis.

And that’s What’s Making Me Happy This Week.

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2 Comments
  1. James permalink

    I understand that there are circumstances that could lead one to genuinely believe that they have seen or even been abducted by a UFO. This does not make those people crazy, even if they are 100% mistaken; it merely means that a combination of external factors and neurological misfires came together to produce a very strange result. Than please if you could explain how this could happen to several people in my family and please explain to me why there is visible marks on us.

    • You took my quote out of context (which is a strange thing to do in a comment right below the posting). That sentence of mine regarding possible neurological bases for mistakenly thinking you were abducted by a UFO began with the word “moreover.” In the previous sentence I clearly state “I also know that I’m not omniscient enough to rule out anything in this world …” Perhaps you were abducted by aliens. Perhaps not. Wtf do I know?

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